Not eating

so stressed, confused and lonely lately. I dont know what to do anymore. I barely eat which I love. Now to find time to exercise and ill finally lose 20 lbs.

Good Day

Today was cool.. i didnt eat a lot so im proud of that.. i had to eat a sandwich for my Philosophy class though (dont ask).All in all i had a banana, tim hortons sandwich, XL coffee 2 sweetner and 2 milk, bottle of water. Thats it so far. Tonight im probably going to have water salad and chickpeas. Yesterday my boyfriend said im really skinny hehe :) EVEN THOUGH IM NOT. Whatever... it made me smile anyways. I see no difference so i think he is lying. I dont have a lot of time to workout today, i think ill get some crunches in and maybe some stairs. I want to go to the gym but noone is available:( GRRR. Im cleaning my house hardcore today and all of that aka ill burn calories. Oh and ill probably play music in my shower and dance because im a lunatic and belong in the looney bin. (not really) Anywho im going down for a nap so i have more energy to do stuff.
staythin my lovelies

today was not a good day

I mean in reality it was a good day with my boyfriend and all.. but food wise? -cue the shining music-
Yeah. I brought over my boyfriends Valentines Day gift today and chocolate was involved.. i had 2 pieces and 3 pieces of a KitKat (< the sh1t). Then i was later invited to his little cousins birthday party and ive never met anyone! I went anyways and his mom and himself kept telling me to eat haha, i had 5 tostito chips, 9 of those small swedish meatballs, piece of garlic bread, a cabbage sausage roll, 3/4 cup of pasta and a cupcake. Im glad i went theyre though it was fun and his family are nice people :) His mom however brought me a Sprite (1 month since i havent had pop) and i drank it out of guilt. I do NOT miss pop! OMG my stomach bloated i felt gassy and had to burp.. it wasnt comfortable so i can safely say water triumphs over pop any day. Tomorrow is a new day.
staythin

p.s my boyfriend said i am 'reaallly skinny!' i hope thats the truth haha because that makes me feel a bit better :)

More and More Fat

today i had:
salad
whole wheat bun with veggies
salmon, chickpeas,spinach,brussell sprouts and mushrooms BAKED
then those wafer sticks i had about 14. :(
AND 8 pieces of chocolate..
at 2am i saw a kitkat and went to town on it..
what the fuck is wrong with me i have no willpower...
FUCKFUCKFUCK.
i seem to get fatter and fatter..
tomorrow im eating nothing but a banana. im limiting myself to 950 cals a day now.
i need to start working out.. i NEVER WORK OUT.
jesus christ.. :(

..Cont'd

My boyfriend says im just 'seeing things'. BULLSHIT. All i see are rolls apon rolls, i have the biggest love handles you could imagine, massive thighs and santa claus tummy. MY stomach is hanging over my leggings right now. Im disgusting. I am 6'1" and FAT. Why?? Seriously WHY? I am supposed to be tall and thin, not tall and FAT.
jesus christ...
This is my boyfriend.. he is an MMA fighter. Earlier i said hes 13% body fat. I AM 28%. He says im fine how i am, really? Because he sits on my couch and pats his stomach saying he needs to lose weight.. he weighs less than me and has only skin on his stomach and muscle, no fat. I feel like shit.

Weight Gain & More Fat..

Okay so last night i didnt workout. My friend bailed on me and i hate working out alone. HATE it. Today i had a banana, an apple a yes...frozen meal it is an indian food you heat up its 50% fibre and spicy aka it'll work like an exlax and a box of smarties but threw out 10 of them. Thats all im having today. Im going to work for 3 hours, i get 40 minutes of walking there and back and 3 hours of standing serving people. I have gotten fatter.. i am eating less and somewhat working out and ive gotten fatter! wtf? You know those girls that are on here, when you look at them theyre ACTUALLY skinny and perfect but still want to lose weight? Well fu! haha because IM actually fat.. what would you think if you saw me? You'd puke. Grr im just so frustrated... maybe i should workout tonight a lot. AND tomorrow.. i need to lose weight :( I think i need to be more determined and try harder.. i need will power.

staythin

fat

i look huge today. Im not exagerating but i am huge. massive. enormous. wide. doughy. pudgy. looking at myself, i want to die. (Not really..but really.) I had a great day today with a new semester and all... but what. the. f*ck. I am so fat!
Im going to the gym today.. going to workout extra hard.. i need that toned body fast:(

what i ate today:
breakfast- 1 banana and 1 pack blueberries
lunch- salad NO DRESSING, spicy chicken wrap<the devil.

& fruit drink throughout the day. (100% fruit and filling check it out!)
http://www.arthursjuice.com/en/

theyre really good and healthy! When im done the gym im having a protein shake. Then heading to the mall to WALK and window shop:) At home i will probably make a piece of salmon with plain spinach.

Thats it... i am so disgusted right now.. how did i get myself to look like this? People probably gag at the sight of me, i want to be the girl where another girl thinks, "i want to look like her.."

staythin

Today & Tomorrow

today i worked out, not as hard as i could have though.
i had a protein bar, handful nuts, 1 pack sardines and 1 pack smoked oysters and a lot of 100% juice blend.

tomorrow i go back to school, aka back to the place where no food is near me so i never have the temptation:) aka where my school has 4 floors to walk up and down:) im heading to the gym afterschool tomorrow as well.. probably alone which SUCKS. I like going with someone else it gives me a push. Maybe i'll go tanning too..
I hope when i see my boyfriend on Sunday he'll see a difference. Im wearing the sweater he bought for me for Christmas but its one size smaller. Hopefully i can look good in it :) Gah i love him so much..
anyways im going to bed earlier tonight, 1130 instead of 4am! I think the sleep will help a lot with me trying to lose weight. woohoo
gnight

TIPS N TRICKS - Tricks of the trade we should already know..

*Drink water (Hot water fills you up, cold burns cals)
*Chew sugar free gum. It kills cravings, keeps your mouth full so you can’t binge, burns calories by chewing and suppress's your appetite.
*Tea of Coffee!
*Cut food into tiny pieces. Put your fork down between bites. Chew everything a certain number of times.
**Take a sip of water between each bite so you feel full much faster**
*Do not ever eat anything you do not know the exact amount of calories in. Sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking you’ve eaten less than you have.
*Measuring tapes are much more effective than the scale, you can KNOW where youre losing and where youre not..
* Keep a food diary so you know what youre eating, when and how you feel.. you'll be less likely to eat something crappy for you if you know youre going to write it down
*If you want to eat, or eat something bad, exercise for 15 minutes or count to 100. By then you most likely wont want it, and youll burn some extra cals with the workout.
*Spicy. Spice fills you up really fast and speeds up your metabolism. What more could you want?
*Make a list of foods that you are never ever allowed to eat. Write it down and keep it somewhere accessible.
*Never drink pop, even diet. You'll look bloated and weigh more.
*Be careful when you eat with friends... if youre bigger than them youre MORE likely to eat more without realizing. Lie to them saying you already ate, or order a tiny salad (dressing ON the side!) and say you had a big breakfast or something. Dont think that since theyre skinny and can eat whatever they want, doesnt mean YOU can!

more soon..

Hi Ho Hi Ho..

Off to the gym i go...
Going to work extra hard today cardio wise.. i didnt eat today so far but im going to have something tiny so i dont faint like before. Bringing protein bar with me so my muscle will burn the fat faster.. im thinking this is what today is going to look like:
30 minutes cardio
20 minutes ab workout
10 minutes stairs

FOOD:
handful trailmix
salmon
water<3
maybe some cut up veggies..

i need this weight gone by March! guh..

p.s.. lately ive been thinking of purging, i havent purged in almost a year.. and im thinking of taking laxatives again. i wont purge though because it takes me up to an hour to finally puke.. but exlax works the next day and makes me feel lighter. gross, i know.
off to the gym i go!

THINSPIRATIONS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gc42lmmPULo&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

I like youtubing thinspirations.. especially this one. The music by Damien Rice is calming yet inspiring.. these girls are so beautiful. :( I really hope by the end of March i will look like one of these girls...

My boyfriend is going to Thailand for a month to fight. (He is an MMA fighter with 13% body fat.. how do you think my self esteem is now? haha) and i want to be thin when he gets back, so when he sees me waiting at the airport his immediate reaction is- wow. This thinspiration is one of my favourites.. especially since its for 2011. :) What are your favourite thinspirations?

The Beginning- Take Two

I'm back.
I had a blog about being thin around a year ago, but i deleted it. it was an accident, really. Im somewhat dissapointed because i had a few followers and liked the fact i had something private like this. Now im re-starting! This blog has helped me a lot last year to stay on track with my eating and everything... in total i lost 10 pounds. I gained that back.
right now:
CW: 170
GW: 145
Height: 6'1"

I'm hoping to do better than last time.. i want to be thin! More than you know...